I've been absent from blogging for a couple of weeks now, because I've been wrestling with a conference paper, and I'm always hesitant to blog about such things, which are often less interesting. After all, all academics have to write these papers, and the fact that some go less smoothly than others is hardly blog-worthy. But I've finally decided that my experience with this paper is paradigmatic of a larger struggle: getting going on a new project.
It looks like the book is going to be out next spring, which means that it will see the light about 11 years after I began working on it in earnest, as a dissertation. during about 8 of those 11 years, I was able to peel of parts to present at conferences. The first ones were document-driven, rather than argument-driven, and I felt that I was fumbling around for a point to these papers. But by the end of that time, I felt pretty confident about what the larger message was, and how to frame a smaller part of that message in 10 pages or so.
And what's my reward for finishing a big ol' book? That's right: I get to fumble around again, and wonder if my paper makes any sense, and wonder if my audience will be able to tell that at this beginning stage, I don't really know what my argument is. What I've got instead is a bunch of vaguely interesting documents that I'm imposing a place-holder argument on while waiting for the real pattern to emerge.
So, here we go. I'm confronting my own ignorance again. And desperately hoping not to make an ass of myself.
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I get to fumble around again, and wonder if my paper makes any sense, and wonder if my audience will be able to tell that at this beginning stage, I don't really know what my argument is. What I've got instead is a bunch of vaguely interesting documents that I'm imposing a place-holder argument on while waiting for the real pattern to emerge.
This is exactly parallel to what my laboratory frequently experiences when we develop a new technique for manipulating a cellular physiological function. We deploy that technique in a particular experimental context, observe an effect on the physiological system we are interested in, but still must struggle mightily to figure out what this effect is telling us about the way the system works.
Oh Vaunted Notorious, you have given solace to my beleaguered soul fumbling around in a new project, appalled by my own ignorance. It is comforting to know there are others bumping into the trees in the Dark Woods of New Project.
But this is the FUN part of writing a book--you've got a great topic and great set of sources, but you're figuring out what it's all about and to which issues you want it to speak. Conferences are great places for getting new ideas & feedback on the project.
It's much less fun once you get all of the argument worked out, IMHO. There's still the challenge of getting all down clearly in words, which is a kind of puzzle that's a challenge in & of itself, but at this point, the sky's the limit for your new book project. You could do anything with it!
If you knew all the answers already, you'd have nothing to research. In fact, if you already knew all the right questions, there probably wouldn't be a book worth writing.
It reminds me of what I always told myself when I was unsure of myself during residency: "If I knew what I was doing, I wouldn't have to be here..."
I agree with Historiann - it's exhilarating to be at the point where you know you're going somewhere interesting, but you don't yet know where you're going to end up.
Exactly. I've found myself over the past few months writing conference proposals about books *I haven't even read yet*. It's scary, making predictions about where you work is going to go, what arguments you might make -- instead of being able to put your hand into that ol' bag of tricks that's kept you going for so long. Or, at least, that's been my experience.
I know how scary this is (I'm more or less at the same stage myself, but so rough that I wouldn't even do a conference paper). I sort of think -- oh, gee, that's one of the loose ends from the book, I'd like to pick that up and take it from a different angle. But how? Wish I had some cool sources...
Thanks for the post, Notorious! Your post helps me feel less like an ignoramus and more like a regular person trying to tackle a big project.
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